My husband died ten years ago, and I find the holiday season really difficult without him and my children away being busy with their own families. Are there any teachings to help me deal with loneliness, particularly at the holiday season when other people are enjoying their families?
Take heart: many people feel the same. Studies suggest that the holidays can be the unhappiest time of year.
But let’s get to specifics. Buddhist teachings seem abstract until we encounter a real-life situation like yours. We lose someone dear. Our children grow up and leave us behind. We feel forgotten and left out. Comparing ourselves to others, we feel sad. Life takes a hard turn, and we experience Buddha’s First Noble Truth: suffering. We can’t avoid it, nor should we even try. Suffering is what brings wisdom to life.
Our practice is rooted in the certainty of change. It’s easy to see, but hard to accept. That’s why the teachings lead us, first, to face the facts of our life, and then, to examine how we respond to those facts. Holding on to our expectations, we are always disappointed. Dropping those expectations, we can work with things as they are.
The holiday season is laden with idealized imagery and false expectations. We have to be honest with ourselves. Is our loneliness a result of changing circumstances, or a result of the standards by which we judge our present life to be lacking? Suppose you no longer expected the holidays to be anything like before. Could you rewrite the script for yourself? Look for ways to share kindness, generosity and fellowship right where you are. True happiness isn’t found in a holiday, but in you, to be shared freely. Your life is the path of a bodhisattva, one who benefits others. See it and you will be it.
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