It’s late. You’re tired. There’s a lot on your mind. And then it comes—the critical email from an antagonistic co-worker or the goading Facebook comment from your Trump-loving cousin. You can’t help it if people push your buttons! How in the world are you supposed to be kind?
The thing is, there aren’t two versions of kindness: one for people we like and one for people we don’t. The kindness we cultivate through Buddhist practice has to work no matter what or else it isn’t real— and that means being kind even when we’re tempted not to be. It turns out that life is full of those situations, and always has been.
So, it’s not surprising that Zen’s principal teaching on kindness is not in a high-minded treatise on morality or ethical conduct. Neither is it confined to writings on the eightfold path, the six paramitas, or the bodhisattva precepts. Rather, the most thorough guidance on how to be kind comes in a manual for overworked cooks written in 1237 by Dogen Zenji, the founder of Soto Zen.
Instructions to the Cook gives a vivid picture of the hardest, most unsung job in the monastery. It details the duties of the head cook during every waking hour, of which there were many, since one day’s work ended just before midnight and the next day’s work began shortly after. Complicating matters, ingredients were often sparse or spoiled. Vigilance was the only defense against marauding rats and weevils. Whether the rice was good or bad, the greens fresh or wilted, the kitchen staff prepared hundreds of meals every day without missing a minute of the monastery practice schedule. These guys had plenty of reasons to be quick-tempered.
You might think that this drudgery would be left to underlings, young monks without the leverage to escape long hours of labor. On the contrary, “since ancient times,” Dogen wrote, the head cook’s position had been held only by accomplished monks or senior disciples, those who could faithfully light the fire, boil the rice, and scrub the pots as acts of “extreme kindness.” What makes kindness extreme is when it transcends likes and dislikes and works twenty-four hours a day.
According to Dogen, a “kind mind” is one of the essential attributes of a cook. He described it as the selfless compassion that places the well-being of others above one’s own. This kindness is not a superhuman virtue, but the same love and attention that parents naturally give to their offspring, whom they feed and clothe before caring for themselves.
It’s one thing to tend water or rice, but do you scrimp on compassion for people you think are difficult, unlikable, or undeserving? Maybe they need a little kindness. Life is the ultimate kitchen, with stress at work and home, too little time, a shortage of help, and no end to the tasks at hand. If the kitchen is your life and you are the head cook, what kind of meal will you serve? Guided by Dogen’s five-step recipe for extreme kindness, you may be able to offer a little more “ease and comfort” to those who need it most.
1. Realize that kindness is your job. It doesn’t matter how many hours you meditate, sutras you study, or chants you recite, kindness is your true spiritual work, and it depends solely on you. Do you want to live in a kinder world? “Do not neglect your own duties,” Dogen said.
2. Be watchful. Attention is the most concrete expression of love, so watch where you put yours. Do you dwell on your own concerns, or do you pay attention to whatever and whomever appears in front of you? Dogen said, “If you look carefully with your mind undistracted, naturally the three virtues (wisdom, generosity, and compassion) will be fulfilled.”
3. Don’t judge. The instant you label someone as friend or foe, important or unimportant, worthy or unworthy, you are lost in your dualistic mind. Remember, there are not two forms of kindness. Kindness does not pick and choose. “Keep yourself harmonious and wholehearted,” Dogen said. Then everything you do will be the “work of buddha that benefits sentient beings.”
4. Avoid getting upset. Don’t know what to say to a jerk? Silence is always kinder than a fiery tongue. “Most of all, avoid getting upset or complaining,” Dogen said, and your mind will abide in tranquility.
5. Never change your attitude. Do not build up disdain for one person and delight for another. If your attitude wobbles from this to that, Dogen said, “it is like varying your truth when speaking to different people; then you are not a practitioner of the way.”
The art of kindness, like the art of cooking, amounts to one thing. No matter if ingredients are fine or coarse or if people are delightful or difficult, always maintain a deeply sincere and respectful mind.
Photo by Joanna Kosinska on Unsplash